"I will sing of the mercies of the Lord for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations."
The Christmas music is playing and the tree is up but I've been wanting to linger in the season of thanksgiving, remembering all the ways that the Lord has been faithful to us. Last night my husband and I spent some time thanking the Lord for His goodness and love to us during the past few months. As we prayed the music in the background made us pause. It reminded us that His faithfulness has not just been with us these last few months, but since... well forever. Before we were even born, and we continue to see His new mercies each day as we live one day at a time. And that is where you find me friends. Living one day at a time, trying to give thanks and rest in the very true fact that I am loved, cared for, and covered.
I had a doctors appointment on Monday to check my tumor size, draw blood, and flush my port. My tumor is 1/2 a centimeter smaller, my blood work came back normal, my white blood cell count was low but not dangerously low. My doctor told me that if these meds I'm on work he is hoping I'll be on them for the rest of my life. This was not what I wanted to hear. He looked me in the eyes as he could see the slight panic come over my face (remember people I'm really not into meds) and told me to remember to live one day at a time, because really that's all we have. When I went in to get my blood work and have my port flushed I was in a room jam packed with people getting chemo therapy. Before the holidays things get busy and treatments for chemo are no exception. I felt odd being there and I felt overwhelmed by the mixture of emotion I was sensing in the room... pain, tiredness, hopefulness, and fear. The nurse who helped me was like a bright joyful angel bringing peace and comfort to me and all the others getting treatment. It is a humble privilege to be amongst such people, getting and giving care. I often think back to a man I spoke with, in his 70's getting treatment for bladder cancer hopeful that he will be done treatment after Christmas. I say a quick prayer when think of him and all of those struggling with this disease in all of its varying forms.
Despite the good news of my tumor continuing to get a tiny bit smaller I cried all the way out of the hospital and to the car. I think it finally hit me that I am dealing with cancer as a chronic illness.... so much seems unknown to me, and yet there are many things that are known. These are the things that I cling to. It is no mistake that I am right where I am in this long waiting time. I sense the Lord saying to me "child just wait, be still and wait, I will continue to lead you."And so I wait and I try to remain obedient to my Jesus who was obedient unto death and in so doing he has given us new life. What a gift!
I also know that I am doing well! I am strong most days and able to do what I need to do, I feel clear and bright, I have peace from the Lord, and when I struggle I have His word to comfort and encourage me. I am not having any more aura migraines right now, I have people helping me clean, care for and help teach my children, I have finical support so that I can continue to do all the natural things I do for my health, my sweet husband, family members and friends surround me with continued support. I have also been encouraged by complete strangers that are sending me cards, gifts and praying for me. This is just amazing.
Please continue to pray for me and my family. I ask that you pray as the Lord leads you. It seems that I am in this for the long haul and it does seem daunting to me. Pray for strength to continue on each day one day at a time. Also pray that I would remember that I serve the great healer and he can do whatever he so chooses in regards to my care.
Many thanks to you all for surrounding us with love and support!