Update December 17, 2016

Its been three weeks since I started treatment here in Germany and I wanted to send a quick update on how things are going and ways you can be praying for Scott and I while we continue for three more weeks.

Treatments are going very well and I have been pleased and thankful for my Doctor and the nursing staff here at the clinic. I feel extremely blessed and really sense that this is a place of healing. My treatments are gentle yet extremely effective. The focus here is on the whole body, including the emotions. While my body is being boosted with vitamins and minerals, the cancer is being destabilized through hypothermia treatments coupled with cancer fighting IV infusions. I have counseling sessions once a week, meditation, art therapy (I love love this part ) and time to explore the local area. The food here at the clinic is weird. Sometimes its really good, other times its just funky. We laugh about it and try to give thanks for everything that comes are way.  

There are people here from all over the world and at different stages of disease. I have loved to get to know each person and their story. There is a lot of struggle going on, pain, and fear but I am also seeing a real sense of hope and joy here too. There was one young man here for a few weeks that had such a laugh it was contagious! You bond with the other patients and even if you can't speak their language there is always a smile and Guten Tag on their lips. Scott was even able to share the gospel, the hope for which he lives, with two of the patients here. It was so beautiful. 

The days here are dark, cold and sometimes wet. In fact we haven't seen the sun in over a week. That gets old really fast but the way the Germans combat the gloom is by having Christmas Markets. Lights and music fill the squares... hot wine, sausages, booths filled with crafts... it really helps lift the spirit. 

At times I find myself slipping into a bit of despair because I want to see instant progress, and I want to know what will happen to me... I find when I get down I repeat the truths I know to be true about my Savior. He has brought me to this place and I want to trust him even though I don't see the end results. I have started praying more boldly, like David.... "Oh God you brought me to this place, don't abandon me, show up in your power and glorify yourself through this mess I'm in. You can do this Glorify yourself..." this is my mantra. Can we address the God of all Creation in such a way? I believe we can and he calls us to be bold in our prayers. 

Would you join me in this boldness? Pray with me and rejoice with me in what God has done and what he will continue to do. 

Pray that my treatments would continue to work and be extremely effective. I have not noticed any significant tumor shrinkage so please pray that my tumors would start to break apart and be absorbed by my body, just like in my breast. 

Pray that I would be able to continue to deal with and resolve the emotional issues I have 

Pray that Scott and I will have strength of heart and joy amid the daily treatment schedule especially when I go through whole body hypothermia it is extremely hard for me mentally. 

We miss are kids like crazy, and although they are doing well, please pray that the next three weeks would be joyful for all of us while we are apart for the holidays. 

Pray that Scott and I can continue to be a light here to people who need to hold on to a hope outside of their own striving and physical healing. 

Thank you all so much! I know its hard to fully understand what I'm going through here but know that your prayers are a powerful tool and sometimes I feel such joy that seems to come from no where. I know its your prayers and the spirit filling me during dark, long, days. 

Blessings to you all!

Aimee

Update November 29, 2016

It's hard to believe it's only been one week since we left our house in Flintstone, GA.  We have travelled and done so much since then.  It was nice to arrive at Aimee's parents before Thanksgiving and say goodbye to some family up there before our overnight flight to Germany. We arrived without sleep early yesterday morning and hit the ground running.  It will take a while to adjust to our new tight schedule as we're still getting over jet lag.  Aimee is resting right now as I write this.  They have done a lot for her already and haven't wasted any time.  We had an orientation yesterday and had a lengthy meeting with the doctors which went really well.  I really appreciated their thoroughness and the main Dr. asked a lot of really good questions.  Our meeting was towards the end of the day and he had been running around working hard, as doctors do, managing many cancer patients.  I'm sure he sees so much heartache, anxiety, stress, confusion, etc.  By the end of our meeting he said he was encouraged and that Aimee brightened his day.  He said she would be a light in this place and I think he was excited to see how she will succeed with this treatment.  It was a good feeling and this morning we woke up and got started.  Aimee had blood work done and then after a little breakfast they started treatments. Some of what they did made her tired and headachy but it is all part of it and in the end she will be stronger.  

        We managed to squeeze in a walk this afternoon which was such a privilege.  We are right across the street to a park with winding paths near the little Tauber river.  It was beautiful, we saw new birds we'd never seen before and from the little nature sanctuary the path led right into town with beautiful old German buildings. (Looking at the craftsmanship and stonework,I couldn't help thinking about the old stone and timber barns built by the early German settlers in Pennsylvania where we just were and said goodbye to our kids).  We stopped at an Aldi along our way back and I got some instant coffee for myself as they only have herbal teas here, not to complain though, I love it, probably should quit anyway. Everything is on a strict timetable here and after a walk we got back in time for another therapy session for her, followed by dinner where we sit together at tables with other patients from all over... German, English, American.  We sat at a table with a couple from Michigan and a man named Emilios from Cyprus.  It has been cool to see Aimee practice some of her Greek with him.  (We really need to learn some German though!)  

          It has been so great to be here but it's also hard.  We are surrounded by people grasping for everything to get well and many here are in pain.  It's such a difficult place yet such a beautiful place.  I keep thinking of the message we heard right before we flew out here.  It dealt with being born again into the Spirit and how it is the source of hope in us.  It encouraged me and was another confirmation that His love is here with us.  I have such high hopes for my wife and I thank God that through the support of so many, it was made possible to be here.  As Aimee celebrates her birthday tomorrow, I thank God for the joy and light that she is and for how He has given her the strength to live each day with such determination.  Even as we accept these fragile bodies and minds that we walk around in, we thank God that His Spirit inside is always longing to bring new life, taking what's broken and making it new.  This is a season of celebration.  From celebrating Thanksgiving and all that we have been given, to birthdays and now this advent season, one Man's life changed it all... and as the magi noticed the star, we too look, and are finding the signs of His presence now with us.  

          Thank you for praying and please continue to pray for Aimee to respond well to this treatment, (the first couple weeks are supposed to be hard) pray for endurance, and pray for our hearts that really miss our kids.  Pray that our kids will be strong and that they won't test their Oma and Opa's endurance too hard! 

Love and good tidings here from Germany,

Scott          

Update November 10, 2016

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show me the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 17:6-8

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of praying, waiting, watching, crying, and stepping out. You all, every single one of you who has been praying, are a very real part of what God has been doing in my life these past few weeks.

When I was first diagnosed, I saw God just start flinging doors open, boldly giving me direction and I was just carried by Him. It was a beautiful thing to experience His perfect weaving of time, places, and people.  Now, I have had a deep sense during this transitional season, that God has been calling me to step out in faith, trusting His leading me. So I began to pray with hands wide open, taking one step at a time. This was very hard for me to do.

One of the suggestion for my care was immunotherapy and I was drawn to that idea because the immune system really plays such a crucial role in cancer. This type of therapy was offered by Memorial Sloan Kettering and I was excited to move in that direction. We prayed for doors to open, but my insurance through women's health medicaid would not cover it, stating that it wasn't a necessary treatment and that it was out of state. Paying out of pocket wasn't viable or feasible.

Even before I found out about the insurance denial to MSK a friend mentioned getting care out of the country. I had heard of this from Samaritan Ministries and so I looked into it. It turns out that Germany has clinics offering integrative immunotherapy. We did a lot of research, talked with people who had gone to one of these clinics, and started praying about going. We weren't sure if this was going to pan out, but we stepped out in faith and as we were waiting we started the process of getting our passports renewed.

We applied last week to a German clinic and were told that we would get a call on Tuesday from one of the doctors at the clinic to see if I would be a good fit for the program. As this started to become a reality Scott and I started getting anxious about our passports as we had only applied for them a week prior and did not expedite them. How was I going to say yes to this doctor if I didn't know when my passports where going to come in? It usually takes 4-6 weeks! I was also starting to doubt if this was a good idea. There were so many things to figure out and it seemed overwhelming. Were we making the right choice?

On Monday I was really worn thin. It was late afternoon and I was sitting in my room on the verge of despair... feeling so tired. I took a deep breath and made myself stand up. Taped on my bedroom mirror is a verse my sister-in-law had given me early on in my cancer journey. She is no stranger to this disease as it has hit many in her extended family. She wrote out Psalm 17:6-8. I stood there saying it out loud in my room, claiming each word for myself...despite my feelings of utter despondency. Then I felt as if the Lord spoke to me and said "go check your mailbox." I went outside and in my mailbox was my passports!! I fell to the ground sobbing. It was a miracle. It had only been a week and a half since we applied for new passports. A week and a half. It also so happens that I received an official rejection letter from my insurance company in the same bundle of mail. Talk about an open and closed door!And so with confidence on Tuesday I spoke with the doctor at the German clinic and said yes to his question of whether or not I would like to come and be treated there.

Scott and I will be leaving right after Thanksgiving and would be in Germany anywhere from 4-6 weeks depending on how I respond to my treatments. Everything seems to be falling into place. We are in awe and completely grateful for God's provision and your prayers. As we move forward please keep praying! There is still so much left we need to get done before we leave for Germany. We are not immune to the stresses and fears of what this all means and we need to be fully supported in this journey. Here are some ways you can be specifically praying for us.

~Please pray that the tumors in my body would not only not continue to grow, but that even before treatment they would start to break apart. Also pray that the treatments I receive will work in a mighty way and rid my body of all cancer.

~Pray for my children as we will be away from them for a long time. This is a very hard thing for us to have to do, but we are going out in faith, and believing that in the long run this will result in my being with them for a very very long time.

~Pray for safety for our family as we travel and our children as they will be with family while we are gone.

~Pray that the Lord would use us in Germany to be a light and joy to those we will meet in the clinic.

Update October 11,2016

Thank you all so much for your prayers and words of encouragement these past few weeks leading up to my PET scan. I felt such joy and peace during this time and I know it was due to your prayers.

Today I had my dr. appointment and got my results. I was so hoping for a good report but it looks as if this road I'm on will take a new turn. Although the tumors in my breast are no longer present or an issue, the lymph node near my lung and now the one under my armpit on the left side have grown. This means that my course of treatment will be switched to a different hormone suppressing drug combination. I'm not sure yet what that will be as my Dr. would like me to head over to Vanderbilt in the next week or so and get their opinion on my treatment protocol. It was also mentioned today that I may want to look into immunotherapy which is currently being done at Memorial in NYC.

Would you please pray for us as we navigate these new waters. That doors would open where they need to open and close where they need to close. Please also pray for Scott and I as we process this disappointing news and all the emotions that go with that. We are weary from a long year and would love prayers for strength and peace. Thanks so much! Love to you all.

We listened to this song today and it sums up where I want my heart to be...

Be Still My Soul

Year One

I was looking out the window, watching my children playing outside when I heard her say, almost casually on the other end of the phone "Ok let me see here...oh yeah its cancer..." It was a September afternoon like the ones we've been having lately. The last burning heat mingled with that crisp transitional breeze. That young nurse on the other end of the line had no idea, she was just doing her job, calling the next patient on the list, but for me it marked the beginning of the hardest, transformative year of my life. So far anyway. Has it really been a whole year since I found out my diagnosis of stage IV breast cancer? Let me tell you that when I first found out the news of my diagnosis, as I watched my kids playing outside, something inside of me exploded. Blind fear, mingled with confusion. Everything slowed down in my mind and I literally couldn't process what I was being told. I remember asking if it was some kind of mistake, maybe she got my name switched with someone else, surely that was it... I remember texting a friend as tears rolled down my face "Its Cancer" I couldn't breath. I remember the look on my husbands face as he rounded the corner in his work clothes, reaching out to me.

You know I never even noticed those billboards. You know the ones with a sweet little kid with a balled head, smiling... all brave, those pink ribbons never crossed my mind, every outward symbol or sign, every announcement of another person with cancer... I dismissed it all because I thought... Cancer... that would never happen to me. NEVER.

But what if one of the worst things that you fear happens. You wake up and realize that that perfect little bubble you where trying so hard to live in has burst, and you are left battered, bruised and disillusioned. But that bubble, the one that's suppose to keep you from harm and pain, is the very thing that can kill in the end. How can a light shine if a bowl is put on top of it? Eventually the flickering flame will be snuffed out due to lack of oxygen. How can an apple tree grow, flourish and bear fruit if it isn't pruned? Any small time gardener knows that without pruning disease and deformation is likely to take over. How is that majestic beast, the mighty horse able to wield its power on the track? The trainer uses bit and bridle, and patient firmness to produce a champion.

Of course you know how the story goes from here... it was pruning time! Does God give us trials because he hates us; we aren't good enough? No of course not. Friend the things that are in your life that are hard, even crushing you right now are there for you to sit up and take notice, for your good, for life. That's the beautiful crazy thing about being a follower of Jesus... nothing is wasted. Everything that I have gone through has been filtered through the hands of my heavenly Father for my good and HIS glory. I have learned lessons that I could never have learned in my little bubble. The furrows have gone down deep, ripping open my fallow ground. Seeds have been planted. No pain is ever waisted.

Let me tell you what I have learned in this year as wave after wave of personal, and family pain has crashed over me. I have learned that I am loved ...YES! LOVED!! I feel more cherished than ever before my diagnosis. I know that I am the beloved of Christ. I have learned that every trial I go through, every dark and depressing valley I walk through, Christ walks with me. Even when I have felt alone, abandoned even, I was not and I am not ever alone. When I opened the door of my heart and mind to Jesus I was essentially putting my hands up in surrender to have him do with me what he wanted. That may sound scary. It is. We are never promised a life without trials or temptations, in fact we are told flat out by Jesus himself that in this world you will have trouble.... BUT take heart I have over come the world. Boom. There it is people. Jesus Christ went through all the pain and suffering to die so that you and I could have a way in to God. The perfect sacrifice. He knew that the only way we could have true and lasting peace in a world so riddled with sin is if he gave himself up and defeated sin. What does that look like? It looks like foolishness to the world. I am a fool to so many, but I would have it no other way.

And I'm saying all this, things that some of you already know, because I feel compelled to. I want to place an olive branch into your hand... hope into your heart. Are you weary? Are you tired of building your tower to heaven, living in that suffocating bubble? Does fear grip you every morning, that feeling of knowing that you are completely out of control but fighting tooth and nail to try and keep up the appearance that you are? Please won't you take Jesus? The road won't be easy and you will have troubles, you will be dying to your self and letting go of the controls, but trust me it is so worth it. You will find that you are loved, cherished, the beloved. You will never be alone ever again. You will be set free.

I can honestly say after the year that I've had that this time has been a gift wrapped up in rough paper.  And the journey isn't over yet. I am still daily walking this road. I am still doing treatment and my life is a big questions mark but I have peace (most times) because of who I am. I am hidden with Christ and HE holds me. You are a part of that too. Your prayers and encouragement build me up. I am not alone because of Christ and because of all of you. Keep praying! In closing I wish to share with you a devotional written by one of my heroes and fellow cancer survivors. It explains so perfectly why I can stand here today and rejoice in what I've gone through and actually call it a gift!

Man of Sorrows... Lord of Joy by Joni Eareckson Tada

"'...I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.'"     John 17:13   "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering...."     Isaiah 53:3   Can God laugh and weep at the same moment?  Jesus Himself was "full of joy" yet Isaiah called Him "a man of sorrows."  We mortals know joy and pain together.  A father stands at the altar and sighs deeply as he gives his daughter's hand in marriage.  A woman finally lands that long-coveted job, but in taking it must leave behind familiar friends and the town she loves.  A mother watches her son languish behind prison bars, but sees the experience bring the rebellious young man to repentance and salvation.  We are "sorrowful, but always rejoicing" (2 Corinthians 6:10).   This is understandable for humans, but how can God be sorrowful yet always rejoicing?  My friend Steve Estes comments: "Perhaps the answer lies in his ability to know all things and to see the eternal picture.  God does look down on this world and weep.  But the world's twistedness did not catch him by surprise.  He knew that humans would fall into sin.  He knew that immeasurable sorrow would be let loose.  He knew the suffering it would cost his Son.  But God decreed to permit man's Fall because He knew how He would resolve it: that Jesus would die, that His church would eventually triumph through innumerable trials, that Satan's fingers would be pried off the plant, that justice would be served at the final judgment, that heaven would make up for it all, and that God would receive more glory -- and we would know more joy -- than if the Fall had never happened."   Jesus is "man of sorrows" and "Lord of joy" because, as the Son of God, He sees enough of the coming ecstasy to make up for the present agony.  And God sees this glorious end as clearly as if it were today.  This is why God can be truly and utterly happy and yet actually and really grieve.   Lord, help me to learn to live in You today, so that I may see the coming ecstasy and realize it makes up for my present hurt and heartache.  Help me to be rejoicing while I am sorrowful. Blessings, Joni and Friends

Update September 5th 2016

Summer for us is officially over as we start our little homeschool classes tomorrow. Its been a whirlwind of a summer with a few big trips, some small ones, family visits, and all the everyday summer highlights like pool parties, day hiking, paddling on the river, ice cream runs and potting training! It has also been an extremely emotional season for us with personal and extended family struggles. I know a bunch of you took time in August to pray for me and my family. I want to thank you for doing that. There is something really special when you know that people are collectively lifting you up in prayer.

With that said there are a few things that I would like to ask you to be praying for in the next coming months...

~ I have been having a few more symptoms, nothing major, but it always hard when things start getting more difficult physically. Would you pray for healing and peace as I live each day one day at a time. 

~ We start school back up tomorrow!! Please pray for me that I would have the energy and faithfulness to love on and teach my children well. I enjoy having them around me and teaching them at home, but it can be challenging too. 

~ My next PET scan is Oct 7th. Please would you pray that whatever the outcome I would have peace leading up to and after the scan. It can be an extremely emotional time going through scan after scan waiting and wondering and then getting results. Some of you know what this is like... please pray for us as we wait and wonder. 

God has also been so faithful and gracious during these days...

~My youngest is responding so much better to our training and discipline. We still have hard moments but man what a difference a few months can make. Praise the Lord. He turns three this week and I am just so thankful for who he is and what awesomeness God has in store for his life. 

~I was able to do so much this summer! All of our trips went smoothly and we were able to make some beautiful memories together as a family. 

~The Lord has been working on my heart lately and bringing healing in an area of my life that I didn't realize I needed healing. It has been really hard but so important. 

I pray that you all are well and thank you so much for your love and prayers!

A

P.S. A friend sent this song to me a few days ago and it really speaks to where my heart is right now. Please have a listen. Sandra McCracken God's Highway

Update July 9, 2016

Last time I shared I was talking about praising God even when its hard, when things around you feel dry and dark. I wish that I could tell you that after I sang a few songs I started to feel better, after I counted my blessings I felt lighter and more free, after I got busy with the things right in front of me and stopped worrying about the future I felt peace, but I didn't. I went down deeper. I gave myself permission to grieve and sorrow over what has happened to me. I broke down. I prayed through Psalm 88 and echoed Jobs cries...

Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden,

And whom God has hedged in?

For my sighing comes before I eat,

And my groanings pour out like water.

For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me,

And what I dreaded has happened to me.

I am not at ease, nor am I quiet;

I have no rest, for trouble comes.

Over the years I have prayed to really know Jesus. I've sung it ... " I want to know you more..." I'm realizing that to enter into this place of darkness, of grieving and crying out is knowing him more deeply. However, I feel such shame sometimes for being weak, surely I can't be a strong Christian if I am doubting and feeling such sadness! I am reminded that my Savior is close to the broken hearted, the lost, the grieving, the weak. I know this in my head, but to actually experience it at such a deep level is something different. 

I don't like to be in this place where I am vulnerable and weak for so long. Its got me scared and running. I graciously excepted help early on but the reality that what I'm going through may very well be life long is so crushing to me. In all honesty I am still needing help, and I don't like that one bit. I want to be self-sufficient, strong, powerful. I want to help you, I want to give back to every single person who ever did anything for me and my family. To be in a posture of humility, asking for more help after people have helped for so long is gut wrenching to me. 

My heart has gone through cycles of strength and weakness during this past year. While my friends and family were grieving over my diagnosis, I felt the Lord's strength and peace like never before. This was not strength of my own fabrication, it was truly a gift. It carried me through some of the hardest days. Now that things have calmed down, I have been given space to mourn, grieve, see the fullness of my own weakness, acknowledge it, and with the help of God, let it go...

Things that you can be praying for...

~Along with feeling emotionally drained, I have been feeling more physically drained. I currently have a cold, and ask for prayers of healing. Also one of the side affects of my medication is hair loss and I'm seeing that this is happening with me. If you saw me you probably wouldn't notice a difference but its hard for me. I think I've wrapped some of my identity in my thick, dark, Greek hair, and to see it just falling out feels like part of me is falling out... it may seem superficial and so many beautiful woman have had to loose ALL of their hair during treatments so I try to push down those feelings. Would you pray that I could find my identity more and more in Christ and not in what I look like on the outside? 

~My sweet husband bears so much stress with me being laid low, please pray for him and my children as they walk daily through all this with me. 

~We are in need of regular help with basic things like house cleaning and child care. The tricky thing is that some days I'm doing great and I'm able to get most things done, but if I'm knocked down I need more support. Please pray that Scott and I can figure out what exactly long-term help looks like for us, and that the Lord would provide exactly what we need when we need it. 

~In conjunction with treatment from my Oncologist, I have been reaching out to more holistic practitioners who can help me with long term care in supporting my whole body. I've met with someone local, but I still have a meeting in August to talk with a Dr. in CT. (our meeting was pushed back a month). Please pray that we can have discernment with which Dr. to work with. 

~I feel a great spiritual battle going on around me. Would you please take time to really pray for me? That I can withstand the attacks that the enemy is throwing at me right now. I really feel the difference when you pray. A friend prayed these verses in Ephesians over me yesterday and I'm asking would you specifically pray this verse over me too?

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family[c] in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

photo credit: Oak Gast